The Pieces Behind the Patterns: What is Really Happening in the Room?

In this article, we will explore why relational awareness matters so much for coaches, mentors and supervisors.

As practitioners, we are trained to listen deeply, ask powerful questions, and support learning and growth. Yet, some of the most influential dynamics in our work operate beneath conscious awareness, and when these dynamics go unnoticed, they can quietly influence and impact relationships, limit challenge, dilute stretch, or shape how we relate to our clients and their priorities.

This is why understanding key relational concepts such as transference, countertransference, parallel process, attachment and projection is not just useful theory –  it is essential practice. For me, as a mentor, supervisor, coach and facilitator, these concepts form part of the relational literacy required for mastery.

They help us recognise what may be happening in the conversation beyond the words, and they offer heightened awareness about how we respond, stay focused, challenge, and remain ethically grounded.

Exploring the Roots

The roots of these concepts stem from psychoanalytic and psychodynamic theory, beginning with Sigmund Freud’s observation that individuals unconsciously repeat early relational patterns in later relationships.

Freud proposed that experiences with primary caregivers (eg. parents, grandparents, guardians) become internalized as enduring emotional templates that shape expectations, perceptions, and behaviors in adulthood.

These unconscious repetitions – later understood through developments in object relations and attachment theory – were seen not as random reactions, but as meaningful reenactments of unresolved conflicts, needs, and defenses.

This provided a theoretical foundation for understanding how past relationships are revived and played out in the present.  For example, unconscious relational patterns, especially in situations involving authority, dependency, care, evaluation, or heightened stress, in areas such as:

• Romantic and family relationships.
• Workplaces and educational settings.
• Medical and caregiving relationship.
• Peer and community groups.
• Organizational and institutional cultures.  

As supervision, mentoring, and coaching sit at the intersection of interpersonal and systemic contexts, they are structured relationships involving authority, evaluation, care, and development, making them especially prone to transference, countertransference, and parallel process.  Early relational patterns may be unconsciously reenacted between supervisee–supervisor, mentee–mentor, or coachee–coach and can then ripple across multiple relationships.

Let’s now take some time to explore the key concepts involved. 

Transference: When the Past Walks into the Room

Transference refers to the unconscious carrying over of feelings, expectations, and relational patterns from important past relationships into a current professional relationship.  I often describe this as ‘travelling up the chain’. 

In coaching, this might look like a client experiencing disproportionate anxiety about disappointing their coach, or seeking repeated reassurance. On the surface, this can appear as low confidence or dependency but, at a deeper level, the client may be relating to the coach as if they were a critical parent, teacher, or authority figure from their past.

As practitioners, it is not our role to interpret or analyse clients, but – when tuned in – we can notice and offer obsrvations about patterns. 

A heightened awareness of possible transference allows us to ask:

• What might this reaction belong to?
• Is this response about me – or about something else?
• What role am I being invited into or allocated?
• Who might I represent for this client right now?
• What expectations are being placed on me in this moment?
• How might this dynamic be showing up elsewhere in the client’s system?
• What is the learning edge for me as a practitioner here?

Holding this awareness supports cleaner contracting, clearer boundaries, and more attuned, skilful enquiries and opportunities to challenge.

Countertransference: What Gets Stirred in Us

Countertransference is the practitioner’s emotional and relational response to the client, influenced by our own personal history and internal patterns.    I often describe this as ‘travelling down the chain’. 

For example, a supervisor might feel a strong urge to rescue a supervisee who appears helpless. If left unexamined, this can lead to over-directing, problem-solving, or removing the supervisee’s autonomy – all under the banner of being helpful or supportive.

Countertransference is not failure; it is information. Consider that our emotional responses often signal something important in the relational field which might enrich our work and our client experiences, exploration or outcomes.  The discipline is to notice our responses, reflect on them, and work with them in a deliberate way, rather than enact them. Supervision is the ethical home for this reflection.

Parallel Process: When Patterns Repeat Across Relationships

Parallel process occurs when relational or emotional patterns from one relationship unconsciously replicate in another connected relationship.

A classic supervision example is when a coach appears unusually passive, uncertain, or deferential in supervision. As the supervisor stays curious, it emerges that the coach’s client behaves in exactly this way with their manager. The same power, dependency, or authority dynamic is being unconsciously replayed in the supervision relationship. 

Parallel Process gives practitioners a powerful lens for systemic insight.   Think of it this way: what is happening over here may be showing us what is happening over there.

When named with care and permission, Parallel Process can unlock profound awareness and learning because it reveals relational patterns that are operating outside conscious awareness.

Attachment: How We Navigate Relationships Under Pressure

Attachment describes our learned expectations about closeness, support, authority, and emotional regulation, shaped early in life and often activated in developmental relationships.

In our work, attachment patterns may show up as:

• Difficulty tolerating challenge or autonomy.
• Seeking excessive validation or confirmation that they are ‘doing it right’. 
• Strong emotional reactions to boundaries or limits.
• Interpreting small delays, rescheduling, or pauses as rejection.
• Difficulty holding uncertainty or not knowing.
• Over-compliance or people-pleasing.
• Reluctance to disagree or express a different view.
• Pulling away or disengaging when challenge is introduced.

For example, a mentoring client may become distressed by small changes to meeting times, reflecting an anxious attachment pattern.

Understanding attachment helps us depersonalise behaviour and respond with steadiness rather than irritation or over-accommodation. It also supports us in maintaining boundaries while staying relationally present.

Projection: Seeing Ourselves in the Other

Projection is the unconscious assigning of our own inner experiences, fears, values, or beliefs onto another person.

A supervisee who doubts their competence may assume their supervisor also sees them as inadequate, reacting defensively to neutral or supportive feedback. The supervisor becomes the screen onto which the supervisee’s self-criticism is projected.

Awareness of projection invites us to slow down, reality-check, and explore meaning rather than collude with assumptions.

Why This Matters for Stretch and Challenge

Without awareness of these different dynamics, we risk:

• Avoiding challenge to preserve approval.
• Becoming reactive rather than reflective.
• Interpreting relational patterns as ‘personality’ rather than dynamics.
• Avoiding challenge in order to preserve approval or emotional safety.
• Over-functioning, rescuing, or taking responsibility that belongs with the client.
• Colluding with dependency or avoidance without realising it.
• Reacting emotionally rather than responding consciously and curiously. 

With increased awareness, we gain:

• A clearer sense of what belongs to the client and what belongs to us.
• The ability to stay present in emotional intensity without rushing to relieve it.
• Confidence to challenge while remaining relationally attuned.
• More precise, timely, and impactful interventions.
• Increased capacity to work at depth without becoming therapeutic.
• The freedom to choose responses rather than being pulled into reaction.
• Greater trust in ourselves as practitioners.

It is really all about relational maturity – the capacity to stay grounded, curious, and conscious in the complexity of human interaction.

The Benefits of More Conscious Awareness

A heightened and more conscious awareness of what may be happening beneath the surface changes the quality of our work. 

When we are willing to explore relational possibilities with curiosity and wonder, rather than certainty or defence, we create stronger, more resilient relationships in coaching, mentoring and supervision.

This awareness allows us to hold greater stretch and challenge without losing connection. It also enables practitioners to stay present when dynamics feel charged, respond with intention rather than reaction, and work at depth with greater ethical clarity. This is why it matters that we not only understand these dynamics, but remain open to noticing them – and possibly sharing them – as they arise.

Supervision is not simply a place to work with clients; it is a place to see ourselves at work. As we become more fluent in recognising unconscious relational patterns, we create more freedom – for ourselves and for those we work with.

Depth does not come from doing more; depth comes from noticing more.

Keen to Connect and Work with Caroline?

Why not explore…

• Group or one-to-one Supervision.
• ICF approved asynchronous CCE courses available on the Jigsaw Learning Hub.
• Live training in the monthly Jigsaw Puzzle Series.
• Group or one-to-one Mentor Coaching.